I tweet you not

Remember when you were in elementary school and you’d get into a fight with someone and pass insulting notes back and forth, slamming each other? Well, today kids – and celebrities – have Twitter.

John Mayer and Perez Hilton got into a serious Twitter fight (if there is such a thing as a serious Twitter fight) with Mayer trying to be funny, but, as usual, coming across as a total douche. And what would a Twitter fight be without Kirstie Alley throwing in her two cents? This very weird, yet fascinating exchanged was compiled by Rolling Stone’s Rock Daily:

Mayer: I love that @perezhilton uses his cellphone to log on to twitter to post a tweet to ask his followers to call the police for him.

Mayer: Last year P!nk kneed me in the nuts outside Chateau Marmont. I was pissing blood for days. Did I make a scene?

Mayer: @perezhilton’s video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.

Perez: @johncmayer That’s real funny! Ha ha! And I’m sure you also think I “deserved” to get hit!

Mayer: @PerezHilton Not true. In fact I’d like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you’ll have the situational awareness not to get in someone’s face.

Mayer: @perezhilton I also want to train you in an old martial art called “Never Call A Black Dude a F**got Jitsu.”

Mayer: @PerezHilton agreed. So let’s meet up this week and I’ll give you your first krav maga instruction. We’ll break the event down and learn…

Perez: @johncmayer Ok.

Mayer: @perezhilton people don’t want to see you hurt, they want to see you experience something equalizing.

Mayer: @PerezHilton by understanding the genetics of a violent incident you can learn to avoid them. And if you can’t, you will learn to end them.

Mayer: @PerezHilton this will be the last public mention of it. You know how to find me. Words have cause and effect, even if the effect is wrong.

Perez: @johncmayer Dude, I get it. I GET IT. But it’s not fucking funny to me. Karma would be me losing my site and going bankrupt or what have u.

Mayer: @PerezHilton Yah, you’re not getting it… OOH! OK. It’s like the Matrix. You live in the Perez Matrix. You wrote the program, you can fly.

Perez: @johncmayer Karma is NOT getting punched in the face!

Mayer: @perezhilton from the heart, what you experienced these last 24 hrs is a profound lack of control. You can’t blog the world, my friend.

Mayer: @PerezHilton then you leave the Matrix, and oh, what the hell, you’re not gonna get it. You’re a sweet guy though.

Perez: @johncmayer I can never tell if ur being sincere or not. It doesnt matter. Have Harley email me contact info for this so I can do on my own.

Kirstie Alley: @iamtherealwill [Will.i.am’s Twitter] WHAT EVER HAPPENED..YOU ARE MY HERO.. LOVE LOVE LOVE TO YOU…AND MORE LOVE…LOVE, KIRSTIE

Kirstie Alley: Perez…in the future…must only duke it out with lentils…leave the black eyed peas to the big boys

Perez: @kirstiealley I’m 31 years old. You’re 58. But it seems like you have the mental maturity of a 13 year old. Way to go!

Perez: @johncmayer I cant DM u and Im not trying to play this out publicly. B well. I dont wish u harm. I talk shit but I sincerely wish no 1 harm.

Perez: @johncmayer And people DO want to see me hurt. That’s what I’ve been reading over and over again. But it’s cool. I’ll be back 2 normal tomm.

Mayer: @PerezHilton you might have a gash on your face for a few more days, but the real healing? It’s happening right now.

Perez: @johncmayer Once again, we agree! I live in my own world. And in my world, I would never punch someone. And in my world, that’s illegal!

Mayer: @perezhilton now you sit down behind that Tandy computer and you hash out a Doogie diary. Be sure to pause, think, and keep typing.

Mayer: @perezhilton because today, the fourth wall came crashing down. Mario, you are human. I call upon Twitter to be kind to you. #perezisokbyme

Perez: @johncmayer I’m not human! I’m a monster! Good night, John Mayer.

Mayer: @PerezHilton Good night Perez, you dumb shit. #perezisokbyme

Kirstie Alley: JOHN MAYER…you are in the wrong biness…you funny, singer boy…you real damn funny…

Kirstie Alley: @johncmayer I have comedy CRUSH on you…you are one funny singing sensation…I heart your timing…love, K

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